There was a night when I sat with myself and asked, “Is this really me?” I remember asking God, “Who am I? Who am I supposed to be? Where do You want me to go?” I didn’t have many answers back then. I was confused, lost, and trying to understand the person I had become.

If there’s anything I’ve learned through the years, it’s this: chemical dependency — whether it comes from a prescription or something off the street — changes us. Not just our minds, but our bodies, our hearts, our souls. Our entire inner being shifts.

For years, I studied myself while under the influence. I watched how my thoughts changed, how my reactions shifted, how certain chemicals altered the way I saw the world. I wrote down the thoughts that came into my mind. I wrote down the triggers. I wrote down the patterns. I even noticed when I was being studied — when people were giving me things and watching how I responded. I never made a big deal out of it. I just folded those red flags up and kept them in my pocket. That’s how I analyze life: quietly, carefully, seeing both sides even when I don’t want to.

There were times when I’d be out with people, going here or there, and something inside me would suddenly say, “You don’t belong here.” I wouldn’t explain. I wouldn’t make a scene. I would just get up and leave. People noticed. They questioned it. They wondered if I was scared or paranoid. But the truth was simple: my inner self — the part of me God kept alive — was pulling me out of places I didn’t need to be.

Breaking that cycle took time. But once I did, I began to understand myself in a new way. I’m not part of any group or affiliation. Everything I say and write comes from lived experience — the kind that humbles you, breaks you, and rebuilds you with gratitude.

I wanted to be so much more in life than what I am right now. But I’m okay with where I am, because I trust God’s direction. If He’s pointing me toward writing and speaking, then that’s where I’ll go. Maybe He wants me to remind you of something simple but powerful: you are loved. And if you repent and ask for forgiveness in the name of Jesus, you will be forgiven.

God has been an unconditional presence in my life — the One who carried me when I only saw one set of footprints in the sand. I can go deep with this, but I’ll leave you with this truth:

You find out who you really are when you sit in the silence. You learn to master your own body, your own thoughts, your own reactions. You learn that you are worth it. You learn to love yourself — and to love God — because without that, you can’t go any further.

Don’t hold grudges. They’re wasted emotions. Don’t cling to jealousy. It drains you. Anger gets us nowhere. And while we can’t avoid every conflict in life, we can choose how we walk through it.

I may never see you or hear you, but I want you to know this: I love you, God loves you, and we can all do better together.

God bless you.

 

“Be still, and know that I am God.” — Psalm 46:10 (KJV)